Old Made New

Have you ever longed for a make over? In the Spring, do you purge and clean out the closet? Sometimes, I get the ambition to get rid of the old and get something new. A fresh hair cut can make a woman feel renewed. There is nothing like a new pair of soft socks on your feet during a cold winter night. The feel of the soft fresh bristles on a toothbrush across your gums makes brushing for those two minutes a little easier. The smell of your first ripe tomato on the vine in the garden can, to me, be intoxicating to the senses. Old isn’t always bad and is, sometimes, okay, but there are times, in life, that new is just better!

Just imagine what all we have been tangled up in before today? Think about the old you…

When I imagine my life, before I knew YHWH (Yahweh), and before I started seeking His Kingdom and righteousness, I remember being alive, but dead. No drive. No passion. No excitement.

I look back at my very first @notmessmama YouTube video on being a notmessmama and my heart breaks for that woman. I can sit here, today, and remember the pain and frustration I felt when I made that video a few years ago. There has to be more? Being an educated woman with a Bible degree and still not having the answers. Seeking to be the best wife, mother, and person I could be and every day never measuring up!

Even after accepting Yahshua (the original Hebrew for Jesus), I have had moments of darkness and being so consumed with my flesh, and the sin that so easily entangled me, that I was screaming inside, “MAKE IT STOP!” No matter what I tried, it was never enough. I could feel the darkness of the enemy tormenting me. When Paul spoke about the battle within him and about knowing what to do and still not doing it, I could resonate! That was me! (Romans 7:10-25)

Eating disorders. Gluttony. Adrenal-fatigue. Depression. Anxiety. Suicidal thoughts. Fits of rage and anger.

The darkness consumed me! And I was a believer. I loved YHWH! I loved my family! Why was I such a HOTMESS!? Why couldn't I get control of these things in my life!?

I know that I was taught how to read the Bible and interpret it, during my years in Bible college, but something about what I was seeing in the Christian world around me just didn’t add up. So many people, throughout my walk with Yahshua, made Scripture seem like it contradicted itself and added more questions and doubts then it gave answers and clarity.

How could we see miracles and healing in the Bible and little, to nothing, happens, today? Why did Deuteronomy 30’s verses on “blessing and cursing” / “life and death” go void and we can’t see those benefits today? Bad people get away with everything and good people get caught for making tiny mistakes. My head was filled with questions and no one had the answers. Why am I an Elohim (Creator God) fearing woman and I read about freedom from sin and victory over my enemy and I was still just as big of a mess as I was in my days of youth, in rebellion?

None of this felt right. I felt something inside of me crying out that there is more. It has been a long journey of studying and learning. Lot’s of pain and highs and lows. But I cannot express to you enough how faithful YHWH is!

As I look back, on this journey to truth and freedom, I see that Elohim’s Set-Apart Spirit has been stirring a rebellion, against the world and traditions of man, within my heart and soul. I am very passionate about “hot topics” that, when the average person looks at me, I am cast to the side and labeled as a crazy black sheep in the flock of this world’s pasture. Over the years, I have come to accept the way people mock or ignore my beliefs, on certain topics, and have come to see that it has made me strong, so that I can stand on this platform with boldness and bravery, that I wouldn’t have had, before. YHWH has taken the pain and suffering, that the darkness (that once surrounded me) and the mockery of past conversations, and has shown me that His message needs to be shared.

When I have gone through my trials, I have tried every remedy I could find to fix my problem. I have come to realize that the issues I was having were a physical side effect to a spiritual problem. I couldn’t put a bandaid over my heart and mind and it would all get better because my problem could only be healed once the darkness (the root) was exposed.

What is the opposite of darkness? Light.

What is the opposite of lies? Truth.

I must fill myself with light and truth.

“Then Yahshua again spoke to them, saying, ‘I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.” - John 8:12

“I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”

- John 14:6

Yahshua is the light and the truth.

“Whoever believes in Me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these he will do, because I am going to the Father.” - John 14:12

“If you love Me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. You know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you….Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.”

- John 14:15-17, 14:21

These verses give me so much hope. I began to dig deep and study everything I could get my hands on. I was more hungry for the Word of Elohim then ever before. I’d wake up two hours earlier then everyone else, each day, just so I could have a hot cup of coffee and quiet time in my Bible. I came across videos from 119 Ministries, TruthUnEdited, and UNLEARN the Lies, on YouTube. I was watching their Bible studies, listening to sermons, learning about the history of religion, spiritual warfare, and I had my own Exodus.

When we hear Exodus we think of the book of the Bible and the account where YHWH used Moses to free the Israelites from captivity and slavery in Egypt. I have had my own personal Exodus. Not from a physical slavery, but from a Spiritual slavey to sin and darkness. Over the last several months of learning, praying, and repenting I have come to a place where I am no longer held captive by the sin and darkness that so easily entangled me.

I wish I could tell you it happened immediately, but that isn’t the case, for me. I have had so much baggage and pain from past sin that I put on myself and that was put on me, from such a young age, that it has been a process to get to where I am, today. I have been freed from many dark spirits that were once inside of me. I am purging my mind, daily habits, family, and house from anything that doesn’t line up with Scripture. It has been such a freeing journey.

Our family has started to keep the Sabbath (Saturday) Holy and honor it. We are eating kosher (clean). We no longer practice pagan holidays. In 2021, we will be celebrating the Appointed Festivals and Set-Apart Days of YHWH, found in Levitius 23. No, we haven’t converted to Judaism and we haven’t joined a cult!

We are simply seeking Elohim and His truth found in Scripture. If the Bible speaks about something, we obey it. If it doesn’t, we don’t worry about it. We are doing our best, in the world we live in, today, to seek Elohim’s Kingdom and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33) and to live set-apart. We aren’t perfect at it and we aren’t pretending to be. We are actually loving our time learning as a family and enjoying the freedom that we feel in obeying YHWH’s laws and commands.

I thought it was going to feel like a burden or I would become legalistic or something? That hasn’t been the case! I can honestly say, that we are having so much fun together, as a family. We do Bible studies together and the kids have been so excited to apply what we are learning. We are more kind and gracious to each other with our words. We love each other better and serve one another. My oldest son did the dishes for me today, without me asking, because he knew I liked to have a clean kitchen before I cook. How many Mom’s can say that!? I can’t say that it’s because of anything I have done, it is the Set-Apart Holy Spirit working inside of my children!

I can’t say I believe in Yahshua, and want to live out the full Word of Elohim, and then be harsh and judgmental to those around me. That would make me a hypocrite and I won’t be sharing the love of YHWH to anyone acting like that. I am NOT perfect! I am not holy! I am not the Savior. I NEED YAHSHUA! I am just trying really hard to do my best to follow Yahshua’s example and I hope and pray that YHWH will use my family’s love and devotion to live counter-cultural, and perhaps, in His time, others will want to know more and start learning to make some changes, themselves.

We are having so much fun learning more about YHWH’s Word. I can’t wait to practice the Appointed Festivals, this year! Passover & Unleavened Bread, First Fruits, Pentecost, Feast of Trumpets, Day of Atonement, & Tabernacles. Plus, we get the weekly Sabbath! Color us spoiled!

Again, we aren’t Jewish and we don’t pretend to be of a heritage or culture that we don’t actually have the blood line to. With that being said, we are considered a royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:9) and are adopted sons and daughters in Elohim’s family and that makes us His heirs. Through Yahshua, we are given the grace and freedom to do our best to live out the commandments of YHWH, not to burden us or hold us captive to anything, but to truly set us free and allow us to live under the umbrella of love and blessings for choosing to seek Him first every day.

Since we have started following the Word of Elohim and seek to obey His commands, through the redemption and grace of Yahshua, I haven’t had a single episode of those “side effects” I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. I have more peace, love, joy, and eagerness for life then I have ever experienced in my entire life! For the first time, in years, I am filled with the whole fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

Not everyone will read this and understand or even desire this way of living. This has all happened because our hearts were tired of the way we were experiencing life and we were hungry for more. We needed something different.

This journey, that started with me seeking truth and healing on a holistic level of life, has taken on a whole new twist organically. The old, “hotmess Mama” is being made new and I am slowly seeing a @notmessmama through Yahshua Messiah. I am seeking Him, daily, and gradually seeing a transformation in things around me.

Darkness is fleeing and now there is light.

Lies are being uncovered and now there is truth.

Yahshua is found at the center of it all, just like Elohim planned.

Be blessed. Seek YHWH. Share the truth.

Lots of love,

Ashley

@notmessmama

Above: My first heirloom tomato of the 2020 season picked fresh from the garden. It was lucky to make it on a picture. I usually eat them straight from the vine! YUM!